We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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