I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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