how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
