We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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