The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
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I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
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Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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