new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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