So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
