Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
