Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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