You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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