Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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