Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
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I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know her cup size but not her name....
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