My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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