if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
