The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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