is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect