My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello