If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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