If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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