I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize