Having a random hookup so left but love u
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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