im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
