Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
