I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
