Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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