Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize