can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
