No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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