My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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