Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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