Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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