I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
