I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
