No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
