hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
