she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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