just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
