Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
