So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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