watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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