Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
