We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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