Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
