can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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