i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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