BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found puke in my bra..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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