i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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