drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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