I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
