No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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