cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm always down for nudity.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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