I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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