oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you traded sex for a burrito?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
