Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
