I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
