I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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