My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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