3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
